Things that Torture Me

Being far away from my family. People who claim to like Clarence Thomas. Loving high heels and knowing how (a) ridiculous and (b) dangerous, literally and figuratively, they are. Thoroughly cleaning my red chair/couch/bedspread/throw rug only to watch my stupid cat climb up on it for better fur dispersal. Inappropriate crushes that last far too long. Dentists. Knowing that I read something and forgetting (a) the author's name or (b) important quotations. Speechlessness in the face of inordinate stupidity/cruelty. The fact that I don't like many of the things that other academics like (baseball, opera, microbrewery beer). Missing you. The french horn that I sold 13 years ago. I loved that horn--and I should have kept it.

I Love You, Weather.com

I Hate You, Weather.com.

Reasons I love you, weather.com:
1) You are good for the planning of shoes, and things having to do with shoes generally excite me.
2) You are full of colorful maps. Maps are awesome.
3) You care about my allergies.
4) You provide me with many different ways to view and/or contemplate the shift of meteorological events. That toolbar at the top of your page is super-handy.
5) You make me feel as if I have some control over things that are, in fact, completely out of my control.

Reasons I hate you, weather.com:
1) What is with that annoying lady dancing in the corner of your page? Something about credit and interest rates dropping? Jesus, she cannot dance. You should really speak to her about that.
2) Sometimes you are so wrong. And then my toes get all wet, or I am very sweaty. And that is demoralizing.
3) You frequently remind me that I am not in Cancun, and that is also demoralizing.
4) It is scary when you highlight things in red. I grew up in a place where tornadoes live, and red banners around weather alerts were never fun to see.
5) You make me feel as if I have some control over things that are, in fact, completely out of my control.

Words of Advice from a Just-Turned 33 year old

First
I just had one of the best birthdays ever. And I say "one of" particularly because nothing will ever compare to my tenth birthday: roller-skating party that morphed into a slumber party. It. Was. Awesome. Also, that year I got both a phone and a stereo, so distinctly I remember lying on my bed, talking on the phone, and listening to Kool and the Gang feeling very, very cool and grown up. This birthday, however, was a close second or third for these reasons:
a. I got to see my dear godmother. I haven't seen her in years, and she is wonderful. She was the person who introduced my parents to one another, and I am named after her--so she's kind of a big deal. She was in town with several members of the family. We went to Canal St. and got yummy knock-off purses (I got "Dolce and Gabbana" and "Prada").
b. Canal St. is an interesting place. There are secret ninja rooms above and beneath and behind the storefronts that various people will take you to. At those rooms, you will either be sold a handbag or into slavery (ooooh, that zeugma is for you, debbie hawhee).
c. Then we went to see "Mamma Mia," the Broadway show featuring (I kid you not) Abba songs. And it was super fun. After the show, I got to take a picture with some of the cast members because I rock like that.
d. Then I came back to Bayside, and another dear friend took me out for dinner and drinks. I wore these shoes:














And it was a yummy night all around...

Second
I love astrology and personality tests almost as much as I love my godmother and shoes. My dear friend, AWS just blogged about the Meyers Briggs. He is an INTJ. I am an ENFP. Think what you will about Leos and Aquarians and ISTJ's, but this is super cool stuff to roll out at parties. People LOVE hearing about themselves, and if you want to impress someone, you can totally do it by talking about various and sundry personality measurements. For realious.