Monday, December 24, 2007

I might be a Redneck

Here's the story:
I went out with some old friends on Saturday night in my Alabama hometown. We had a good time, ran into some other old acquaintances (which is always so interesting because many of these people were sadistic assholes in seventh grade, and now we hug. weird). Anyway, we saw some music, we drank some gin, we laughed--it was wonderful. These are great friends, and I miss them.

So, after we closed the bars down, A and I were hungry. And, in Huntsville, AL, there are only 2 places you can go when you're hungry at 2AM: Waffle House or Krystal. Waffle House is good, but you have to sit. We wanted to go, so we stopped by Krystal (mmmm, little tiny hamburgers and chili cheese fries). There were a zillion people in line. We waited for a while, and then, right before we were about to order--my other friend popped in. He wanted us to order for him and the two people in his car.

I saw the looks on the faces of those behind us, and I thought, "oh no." So I went to the bathroom. And when I came out, my two friends were arguing with the two guys behind us. And things were escalating.

Lots of "Fuck yous" were thrown around. The little guy (the Bantam Rooster) said, "If I were ten years younger, I'd kick your ass." And I said, "You're gonna have a heart attack if you keep yelling at random people about things out of your control." And some other stuff.

Pretty soon, the patrons were mostly soothed. We reminded everybody that it was Christmas and that Scrooge is actually the Bad Guy--and there were these two cute boys who were standing between my friends and the Bantam Rooster, saying," It's alright, everybody's gonna get their food, let's just calm down."

Anyway, the food finally came. By the time it did, we were the heroes of the place--because we are charming and not assholes (mostly). The second of the original guys, as were leaving, said to my friend, "Thanks, Jackass!" With this dopey grin on his face.

However, Bantam Rooster and his icky friends were not happy, so, as we were leaving, one of them said these two things to me!!:
1) Hey, hooker, you need to stop wearing those boots.
2) And maybe you should think about plastic surgery on your eyebrows.

Wait, what? My EYEbrows? I should have been a better person. I should have realized that these people are from Lacey's Springs, and that their lives are small and their perspectives smaller. I should have recognized that I come from a place where Scrooge is the Bad Guy. Instead, I said, "Yeah, and maybe you should stop hanging out with rednecks at Krystal, Fatty Boombelatty.'

For serious.

You might be a redneck if you get in fights at Krystal.


Anonymous said...

I can't BELIEVE any part of this story. I love you, Merry Christmas, mom and I are off to All Saints!

Austin Texican said...

OMG! That's hilarious! LONG LIVE THE SOUTH!!